Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir Batin

Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin

That’s what people say at Hari Raya, right?
Except normally they have someone to say it to.
They have friends and family,
And they haven’t been crouched naked in toilet
with a bottle of suicide pills, spilled on the floor
They’re not out of their minds, they’re not writing in a diary,
And they’re definitely not watching their celebration spirit delusionally
I didn’t speak to a single person today.
I figured why should I ruin their fucking Hari Raya.

I’ve started a new diary and this time I have a few new reasons.
One, I have no friends left.
Two, so I can read back and remember what I did the day before.
And three, so if I die, at least I leave a nice little suicide note of my life.

It’s just me and you, diary. Welcome to my fucked up life.

Nobody would believe the shit that happens in my head, it’s haunted.
Now that I’ve come down from the drugs
it seems like a sick play that I saw in a movie somewhere.
Three weeks ago, I could’ve killed someone.
Or better yet, myself.